It's not a pager, it's a leash.

My last few posts have been kind off depressing. I don't want all of you out there (you know, the 2 people that read this thing) to think that my job is just one depressing event to the next. And, I don't want to dwell on just the sad stuff either. I see older residents who are angry and bitter because they can't get past the sad. When something good happens they can't enjoy it because they are so jaded. I don't want to become that kind of doctor and I don't want you all thinking that that's the way it is either.

Sometimes being a doctor is ridiculous, sometime it's surreal, sometimes it's downright hilarious. I think one of the things that is a constant source of amusement/frustration are the pages we get from nurses. Some of these I got, some my co-interns got, but they are all hilarious.

1. "Pt smoking in underwear. Please advise."
2. "What rate do you want me to give the bolus at?"
3. "I would like to give enema. Pt refusing. Can you talk with him?"
4. "Pt has not peed for last 6 hours but has been sleeping. I think it's ok"
5. "FYI: Pt not w/ fever. Feels very warm. Removed Xtra blankets. Will reassess in hr"
6. "Pt on regular diet. Can he have jello?"
7. "Pt has restless leg syndrome . . . of his penis"
8. "Pt is crying, please evaluate."
9. "Pt had nightmare, was being chased by clowns. Call psych?"
10. "Pt now with erection, please evaluate."
11. "Pt ejaculated during bath. Urology consult please?"
12. "Pt's child keeps screaming. Please assess"
13. "Pt stole ace wrap from supply and has bandaged his hand."
14. "Pt refusing vitamins for last 2 days. Now requesting. Can I give?"
15. "Pt wants morphine. Doesn't look in pain. Poss drug seeking?"
16. "Pt is naked and screaming. I called security. Please come now."

Yes, these are funny. And, most of the time you call the nurse back and try your hardest not to make them feel stupid. Other times you get paged like this at 3:30 in the morning, just when you found ten minutes to lie down and all you want to do is scream.

Because we cross cover majority of the patients that we get called about when we are on call are not ours. We've never met them before. We are there to put out fires. So, that adds to the absurdity of these pages. Take the patient who stole the ace wrap. I had to call that back because he was a trauma pt, maybe he did have an injury to his hand that went overlooked. But, when I called back I found out that this man keeps stealing things from supply and pretending to have issues because he doesn't want to go back to jail. Well, if this is normal why page me at 10 pm?

Oh, and all the "please assess/please evaluate" pages are the worst! I am not going to check on a screaming child. It is not my job to take away cigarettes and make people wear clothes. And why did you call security before you called me? Because what someone who is having a psychotic break really needs is security guards surrounding her. That's not going to make matters worse at all.

Anyways, these pages might drive us all insane when we get them. But we save them to our pagers so that we can show our fellow interns and residents because they make for one hell of story. And, if it weren't for the great stories why would we keep doing this?