I talk about poo a lot. Which is okay because in general surgery talking about poop is constant. And when you are on GI surgery it's even more prevalent. So, most conversations about poop don't particularly shock me. Until earlier this week when a progression of conversation has had me in hysterics every time I think about it.
It all started when my co-intern and I were sat down eating lunch together on Tuesday. It's rather rare for co-interns on the same service to actually get a chance to have a meal together so maybe the thrill of it all got to us and that's why this conversation happened. BUt whatever the reason it's really too much of a gem for me to keep to myself.
So, here is how it all went down. We were talking about the upcoming holiday, thanksgiving. And he had been going on for days about how much better enjoying a thanksgiving meal would be if he could have a foley catheter for his pee and a rectal tube in for his poop. "I'd never have to get up. I could just eat and drink ALL day." Then he said that it would just be convenient to have the rectal tube in all the time. It would save him a half hour every day, at least.
At this point I had to stop him and ask him what he meant by half on hour, at least. And he explained that his favorite time of day was when he came home, got completely naked and took a 30-45 minute poop. I started laughing . . . he continued talking. First of all, he wanted me to know that he doesn't poop naked at the hospital. And it was also important that I know how he keeps himself occupied during this time "it's not computing, it's compooping," he said. When he brought up how useful smart phones for occupying the time while he poops I was laughing so hard I literally burst a vessel and got a nose bleed.
Now, I was convinced that my co-intern was some kind of freak but he swore to me that this is normal male behaviour. Lucky for me I'm in surgery so my whole team is guys. Which meant that right before rounds we had a little pow wow about pooping. And I discovered that the 3rd, 4th and 5th year residents on my team all have various bathroom activities to keep them occupied while they poop. Two of them are on the same side as my co-intern and enjoy a nice naked poop. But my chief (the 5th year) doesn't understand pooping naked. He's afraid he would get cold, but he does enjoy pooping sans pants.
And, then I asked a question which would start a topic of conversation I'd never even imagined possible, "is there anything you boys won't do while pooping?" The general consensus was eat, until our third year brought up something that I'm sure has only ever happened to him but is hysterical none-the-less. "Sometimes," he said "I eat something with a particularly delicious smell and then when I poop a few hours later it smells exactly like that." At this point he stopped and thought about what he was saying while we are all looking at him like he was crazy. "McDonald's chicken nuggets are the best example I can give you. Sometimes when I poop out chicken nuggets I take a little whiff and I get hungry again, for chicken nuggets." And then as were dying with hysterics he did a little pantomime of him eating chicken, sitting down for a poop (with his phone) and then taking a smell and licking his lips in anticipation of another round of nuggets, "it's a vicious circle."
It took a good ten minutes to recover from that conversation and we still giggled out way through rounds. But the kicker was the next morning when our chief walked in and told us about he had been lying in bed alone while his wife was in the other room and he was thinking about chicken nuggets and started laughing uncontrollably. To the point that his wife had to come and check on him. Now the thought of our chief lying in bed laughing out loud while thinking about someone pooping naked while texting and wanting chicken nuggets is just about the funniest things I've ever heard. And I never would have heard about it if I hadn't been a surgeon.
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