So, yesterday was kinda shitty in the OR. Back in December/January I was in the OR all the time as a 4th med student. I got to throw in a couple sutures at the end of a case, suction a little bit, even make a couple tiny incisions. It was pretty sweet and I got pretty good and then I took a long ass vacation from the time I match till the time I started. I drank, I partied, I visited, I traveled. I did not practice my surgical skills or study. It was going to be my last vacation ever and I wanted to take full advantage of it.
I am now regretting this decision. Don't get me wrong. It was the best vacay ever. And I really wouldn't trade it. But, when I get in an OR and I get handed the scalpel or asked to close or any number of tasks I feel clumsy. My hands feel to large and I feel the sweat dripping down my back. Gross, I know but an OR is a hot place. You're wearing a heavy gown, gloves, a mask, a hat, you stand under hot lights and it isn't exactly a stress free environment. Plus, we keep the rooms warm because our parents are open, lying naked on a table. So, yah I get a little sweaty.
Anyways, I know how to do all these things. But the added pressure of being a doctor instead of a med student, not to mention having gone without practice for so long makes things difficult. I can feel myself willing things to go right, willing myself to do it quickly, to do it efficiently. I can feel the attending's eyes on me. I can feel my upper level resident judging me. It's paranoid and insane, I know. But, it's the reality.
Every time I apologize for not being perfect, for not being fast enough, for not knowing the answers my words are brushed away with a simple, "you'll learn." And I know it's supposed to be comforting. But, for some reason that makes it worse. It's like be an awkward teen all over again. Yah, I know it'll get better some day. But, right now it kinda blows and I kinda wish it could be "some day" already.
On top of all of that there is the fact that these skills I'm learning are being learned on a human being. This person that I speak with in the holding area, that I round on every morning, this person that trusts me not to fuck up. Well, interns fuck up. I've been lucky, I haven't as yet. But, I'm not special. It will happen. Most likely it will happen right when I start getting cocky. It's how we are humbled. Because in order to hold your hand out and ask for a knife you have to some amount of hubris. But too much and you get dangerous. It's unfortunate how often it takes a mistake to realize how in over our heads we can get.
I know there are times in the OR when I hold back. Which is very unlike me. But I get into my head and I worry too much about hurting the patient. But that means that I won't learn properly and then when I don't have the luxury of doing these procedures with a safety net things will go badly. Which means, that I have to get out of my head. I have to stop worrying about what the others in the room think, I have to stop envisioning every worst-case scenario happening because of something I do wrong. Not because these things won't or aren't happening. But because dwelling on them makes me a bad surgeon.
I owe it to the patients I am operating on to learn as much as I can from each case. To do that I need to put my own insecurities on hold, keep my ego in check and focus 100% on the task at hand. Single-minded determination is what is required. If I can't do that I don't deserve to operate.
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